Finding Balance
For a good portion of time, I felt that balance was this thing
to be sought to control external happenings.
It seemed to be this thing that others were able to achieve.
Other people are maintaining their friendships, their school life,
their work, and still remain faithful to God throughout.
I'm trying. I take their advice, I follow similar habits
and try to engage in more acts of self-discipline to bring about some peace.
and try to engage in more acts of self-discipline to bring about some peace.
But even when I have a seemingly perfect week,
I'm still struggling, still grasping for rest.
I'm still struggling, still grasping for rest.
It took some digging, some intentional searching for the answer to this,
but ultimately, God was so clear in his response to my cries for help.
but ultimately, God was so clear in his response to my cries for help.
Charis, you have to start inside first.
So thus began the inner search for balance.
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I asked a lot of questions and did a lot of thinking.
What was my mind and heart wrestling with?
What is my mind trying to box up and clear itself of?
What am I prioritizing over the real, good things that I should be focused on?
I've come to realize that I let a lot of the external things that were going on
dictate the amount of inward energy I put towards them.
dictate the amount of inward energy I put towards them.
In other words, I had no internal boundaries
with all the things that caused me stress and uncertainty.
with all the things that caused me stress and uncertainty.
Internal boundaries are what we create to have a healthy relationship with ourselves.
Effective and healthy internal boundaries exist for mental and emotional wellbeing.
However, when these boundaries are not maintained,
it can leave you feeling lost and restless.
For example, prior to and during my quiet times with God,
I'd devote a lot of my active thoughts to the tasks that needed to be done
and the conversations that needed to be had. I'd be reading and be focused on
a given passage and then just allow myself to start drifting in thought about things
to bring up during d-times or questions I should've asked in certain meetings,
the plans that needed to be made, etc. At the end of it all,
even if I read a lot and learned a lot, I still felt like I wasn't adequately fueled.
My day didn't necessarily feel like it was fueled by the Word.
I'd devote a lot of my active thoughts to the tasks that needed to be done
and the conversations that needed to be had. I'd be reading and be focused on
a given passage and then just allow myself to start drifting in thought about things
to bring up during d-times or questions I should've asked in certain meetings,
the plans that needed to be made, etc. At the end of it all,
even if I read a lot and learned a lot, I still felt like I wasn't adequately fueled.
My day didn't necessarily feel like it was fueled by the Word.
This boundary-less inner world seeped into my work life and academic life,
as I'd feel restless and lacking focus during classes.
I didn't realize how much power I would give to my thoughts
and the things that just weren't a priority. In class I should be focused on class
and not on how I have to cram a thousand important phone calls in by midnight.
My work life, both externally and internally shouldn't seep into my rest,
my personal time. I don't have to create an audio file at 1:00am
just to make an unrealistic internal deadline that I set for myself.
And I most certainly don't have to set unrealistic expectations
that keep my mind running a mile a minute,
instead of just existing and taking my day one step at a time.
as I'd feel restless and lacking focus during classes.
I didn't realize how much power I would give to my thoughts
and the things that just weren't a priority. In class I should be focused on class
and not on how I have to cram a thousand important phone calls in by midnight.
My work life, both externally and internally shouldn't seep into my rest,
my personal time. I don't have to create an audio file at 1:00am
just to make an unrealistic internal deadline that I set for myself.
And I most certainly don't have to set unrealistic expectations
that keep my mind running a mile a minute,
instead of just existing and taking my day one step at a time.
All the internal overlap that was occurring was just not doing me any good.
I wasn't sitting in the peace that God grants through Christ Jesus
and I wasn't listening to the Spirit telling me to be still.
I wasn't sitting in the peace that God grants through Christ Jesus
and I wasn't listening to the Spirit telling me to be still.
A lot of the times my thoughts and attention overlaps between school,
work, ministry, and relationships. While each thing isn't necessarily mutually exclusive,
there are times where the present needs to be prioritized
and the other things handled at a later time.
work, ministry, and relationships. While each thing isn't necessarily mutually exclusive,
there are times where the present needs to be prioritized
and the other things handled at a later time.
I found this to be the case a lot with text messages in particular.
I'd feel pressure to reply and have a response ready for everyone.
But handling harder conversations over text message while at work or in class
weren't necessarily aiding me in being able to be a good worker, student, or disciple.
I had to ask myself, is this message time sensitive?
Is this going to help me and the other person by answering this right now?
I'd feel pressure to reply and have a response ready for everyone.
But handling harder conversations over text message while at work or in class
weren't necessarily aiding me in being able to be a good worker, student, or disciple.
I had to ask myself, is this message time sensitive?
Is this going to help me and the other person by answering this right now?
Am I keeping work time and work time and discipleship as discipleship,
or am I mushing everything together because I feel I "have to"?
Am I being an example of Christ by being mentally divided everywhere
instead of giving myself to the task at hand?
or am I mushing everything together because I feel I "have to"?
Am I being an example of Christ by being mentally divided everywhere
instead of giving myself to the task at hand?
I needed to learn to stop and reflect before acting and placing attention to something.
Other questions I started asking were:
Am I allowing myself peace time and proper rest?
Do I allow myself mental rest?
Where are my running thoughts going?
While this is still something that I'm currently working on and trying to improve,
I've found the following scriptures and above questions
to be helpful in this pursuit of balance~
I've found the following scriptures and above questions
to be helpful in this pursuit of balance~
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"Be still and know that I am God."- Psalm 46:10a (NLT)
This scripture I think is most often used in the context of anxiety and worry.
But when you examine the original Hebrew and the context behind the words,
it's so much more than being physically still and ending worry.
I love how God tells us to leave off our own attempt at making sense of things
or controlling the outcome of things and instead
grow in knowledge of who He is and what He does.
רָפָה --> raphah
cease striving; leave off your own attempts
יָדַע --> yada`
to see, to perceive, acquire knowledge, to be acquainted with
אֱלֹהִים --> 'elohiym
Majesty; God
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"LORD, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty.
I don't concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp.
Instead I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child
who no longer cries for its mother's milk.
Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me."
Psalm 131:1-2 (NLT)
I don't concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp.
Instead I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child
who no longer cries for its mother's milk.
Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me."
Psalm 131:1-2 (NLT)
I especially love "composed and quieted my soul" in verse 2 because
it's a practical for the desire to concern oneself with the things that God is in charge of.
It's kind of like the goal of contentment.
it's a practical for the desire to concern oneself with the things that God is in charge of.
It's kind of like the goal of contentment.
שָׁוָה --> shavah
composed; to calm the mind
דָּמָם --> damam
to bring to silence
נֶפֶשׁ --> nephesh
the mind; as the seat of the senses, affections, and various emotions
A crying child can't regulate itself nor communicate its needs or desires.
It doesn't know when it will get its next meal or fears the loss of its caretaker so it cries,
but a weaned child is free from panic because it knows it will have food,
it will have rest and isn't unsafe.
It doesn't know when it will get its next meal or fears the loss of its caretaker so it cries,
but a weaned child is free from panic because it knows it will have food,
it will have rest and isn't unsafe.
So like this weaned child, my own mind can be rest assured
and have peace because I know God is with me
and is caring for me despite the fear or "perception" of absence.
and have peace because I know God is with me
and is caring for me despite the fear or "perception" of absence.
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Other scriptures that have helped me are Proverbs 19:23 and 1 Timothy 6:8
as they reference the contentment felt
when one keeps their mind on the presence of what is~
as they reference the contentment felt
when one keeps their mind on the presence of what is~
If you like books, Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist is a great read.
It's helped me think about the ways in which my own desire to "be perfect"
may interfere with my desire to find balance.
Life can be chaotic, depending on where you are,
it can be tempting to throw yourself into 50 million directions
and the desire for peace may be something you're striving for.
Christ provides that.
It's there, it's promised.
Sometimes we just have to sit, think, and listen to really figure that out~
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