Finding Myself Again 2019-08-28
Location: Ad Hoc Collective
Time: 11:05 a.m.
Thoughts: Who Am I
Where do I go from here?
This is officially my first day back in the city.
It is my second day back in the United States.
I have an oat milk flat white and I have found a hole in the wall coffee shop.
Today begins my intense journey in growing joy and happiness while here in NY
and today starts the faithful journey in trusting God as I wait till the next time
I can be in Seoul and reunite with the missing portion of my own soul.
God blessed me with an amazing opportunity to be used for His kingdom
and to make deeper, more meaningful connections in Seoul.
My heart is tied there.
I feel out of sorts being in a new (old) setting.
I miss my family and my deep soul searching moments.
I hope that I am as loved and missed by them as I am missing and do deeply love them.
I feel tired in my mind, and I'm having trouble concentrating because I can hear
and understand three different conversations going on~
I don't like that.
But I'm trying to find the positives.
It's loud and I want to tell everyone to be quiet.
I want to be in a serene, small, quiet place away from here.
I think the blatency of how lost everyone is, is what is getting to me.
People scream out their sin and pain in a "pay attention to me" kind of way
instead of just trying to get help.
This coffee shop hides in the same way we hide behind the overtness of pain,
our external sources of "healing".
The masks of delusion and selfishness.
The one-upping.
The desire to have things handed over as if entitled to it.
I'm ready to leave this, or ready to expose what is behind the mask.
I feel touched by the scripture of the day:
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,
and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.
All these things are gone forever." -Revelation 21:4
I feel touched by it because I hold tight to this kind of assurance
as I go through the motions of being in New York.
I know I have a purpose and a good thing to help with while here in New York,
but I still have my heart and my hopes in Seoul.
But I'm praying that even through the pain and the ugliness,
I can see His beauty and faithfulness and allow myself to be open
to being used to grow the Kingdom in some way.
I pray that my faithfulness and growth
can inspire my spiritual family here in New York.
I pray for the hearts of the people here in New York,
that they can grow in peace and happiness
and let go of their bitterness and rudeness.
I am hoping and dreaming for sparks of excitement~
Let me see the most beautiful things in nature and in people~
Let me hone my skills and gifts to be better for those here
so that I can bring back even more special gifts to my dear family in Seoul.
Help me let go and build trust.
Help me delight in the little as I wait for the big.
Help me fall deeper in love with You~
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