Pulling Me Out of Deep Waters
I have crashed, crumbled, fallen.
Each thought is racing, two steady streams line each cheek,
as the words I utter to You struggle to catch up.
The soft, sweet voice of another quietly echoes from my phone,
do they mask the sound of tears
or are they helping my soul shout my unspoken cries to You?
Desperately, I search for the reason,
"LORD, what pierced my heart and crushed my soul?"
It is so often said that my imperfections are fine,
my iniquities exist only in this season.
But the sadness melts away and the desperation slowly starts to peak through.
God... I need You.
My wishes for you to scoop me up and hold my heart
scream louder than they ever have before.
I muster the courage to sit up, but in that moment...
it places a cliff before me.
"Jump," it says.
"Sink down in the waters and let the air escape," it beckons.
"Let this all go and let the pain melt away with you," it tempts.
Do I let myself fall?
Will I enjoy my last breath escaping?
Is it time to go?
The two steady streams are now flooding rivers, reaching for You.
What was once muffled is now an audible plea for Your rescue.
I can't hold on any longer. My fingers are slipping.
I want this to be over, for it all to fade away.
Pain no more, I plead.
Desperately once more,
I race through the recesses of my mind and heart and search out Your words,
the ones that saved me from this dangerous edge before.
"For it is you who light my lamp;
the LORD my God lightens my darkness."
- Psalm 18:28 ESV
- Psalm 18:28 ESV
"God!" I cry. "Give me your words, let me hear them once more."
I can't let it win. But I need You to fight for me. And I need You here now.
My begging continues, I know You hear me, I know You'll help me,
but I need You to push me to where I need to go, let me listen to Your voice.
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Minute by minute, my heart continued to seek Your hand, to be lifted out of this pit.
In that final hour, I heard you say, "Go seek me, go find me."
You pushed all that my soul had left to go and gaze upon Your Words,
to seek what I needed to find.
Together we moved through your words, muttered the truths written,
until You made Your desire for me so clear...
"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
-Psalm 27:13-14 ESV
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One of the hardest topics for me to discuss fairly openly as a disciple has been my battle with depression. Though many others have voiced their struggle with various mental health challenges from anxiety to depression to phobias and eating disorders, I've held back out of fear of repercussion from the academic/ mental health field in which I am apart of. It's kind of taboo to be open about your own struggles as it can be seen as a career setback or a debilitating label placed on you by others, instead of just something you deal with. Despite this hesitation however, I decided to be a bit more candid about how God helps me through the harder moments, the ones that others may not be too keen to share about.
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