Reflecting on the Past Four Years
May 31st, 2015.
The day I made Jesus Lord and my life was forever changed.
For each year that this day has gone by, I can’t find the words to describe how incredibly amazing it is that God has gotten me this far.
The fact that I am still here to share my story is truly a miracle and a testament to the fact that God truly picks the times and places for us to meet Him.
The fact that I am still here to share my story is truly a miracle and a testament to the fact that God truly picks the times and places for us to meet Him.
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In my first completed year as a disciple (2015-2016), I had to confront myself in so many ways. The nature of my own personality and the ways in which I presented myself to others was not necessarily….that….great...to put it lightly.
I would often get told that people thought I hated them and that I was closed off from others. While I never hated anyone, I did in fact place a barrier between me and other brothers and sisters in Christ. I held my own expectations of friendships and group interactions that, to be honest, were never met because I never communicated and I never allowed myself to fully join in with other people.
I needed to be humbled (ALOT) and thankfully God knew this and placed me in situations where I was forced to be more outside of myself, more giving, and less self-centered in my thinking and actions. I often cringe when thinking of that first year because I don’t like how I acted and I certainly feel bad for all those who I interacted with because I most likely did not leave any great first impressions.
I allowed myself to cling onto labels to define who I was and why I acted a certain way: introverted, depressed, struggling, college-student, etc. Though I do not think too fondly of that first year, I am grateful for it. I would not have learned to soften my heart, nor would I have learned to start opening my mind to other possibilities if I hadn’t started out the way I did.
It encourages me to hear my friends say that they’ve seen the drastic change from year one to now as it affirms how powerful Christ is and how awesome he is when we try to be more like him.
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“You LORD light my lamp. My God turns my darkness into light.” -Psalm 18:28
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My second completed year of discipleship (2016-2017) I believe was characterized by learning to be vulnerable and learning to not let my emotions and irrational thoughts lead my words and actions.
I entered new friendships that taught me a lot about how to communicate and how to be a bit more flexible. I was still learning to find myself during this time as I was starting to plan for life beyond my time in undergrad.
I am so incredibly grateful for those friendships to form as those sisters were so incredibly gracious and patient with me. During that year, God taught me to be more forthright, to learn to approach things with a level head and clear conscience.
He taught me to be completely honest with those around me and to express the concerns I had. He taught me to handle conflict and voice my feelings regardless if they were justified or not. By learning to handle and communicate in conflict, I was able to learn to see the view points of others and learned to put them before my own desire to be correct.
He helped build a lot of unity during that time amongst us campus students. I also learned how to set spiritual goals and start putting the desires of God before my own, especially when it came to the state of my own life and the actions of others.
God also taught me to reflect on how I can help to build up the kingdom and develop a desire to aid in leading other women in a relationship with Christ. That year was the first year where I was able to lead bible studies with girls on campus and learn to take more bold action when reaching out on and off campus.
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“When doubts fill my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” -Psalm 94:19
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My third completed year as a disciple (2017-2018) was one in which a tremendous amount of growth occurred (I believe). At the beginning of my third year (Summer 2017) I decided to be more outside of myself by challenging myself in developing more friendships outside my own ministry (region).
Looking back, I’m not really sure why I held myself back from doing so in the past. Making friends isn’t as scary as it seems. I was able to participate in leadership training that summer and learned a lot about being more effective in leadership and in leading studies.
I entered my senior year of college during that time and was faced with a lot of challenges to my own trust in God. Did I trust Him enough to let go and not worry about what the future held?
Was I going to be okay with moving into the singles ministry and would I learn to surrender my own plans to glorify Him? During this time I wanted to learn more about who I was meant to be in the eyes of God aside from how I defined myself in school.
I wanted to understand His plans for me and understand what I could grow in. I also learned to grow in communication and learned how to say how I truly felt (with love of course) to those who needed to hear it.
It was also during this time that God led me down a path that was completely unexpected and truly wild. Starting the journey to graduate school and learning to find a passion for something was truly incredible.
God displayed his immense love and power during this time when I fully surrendered my fears to Him regarding my future and it was a time where I learned to set intentions, to pour my heart out fully to God.
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“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:7
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My fourth completed year (2018-2019) was one in which the power of unity, trust, and the Kingdom really came to the forefront of my life. The lessons that I learned in that year were some of the hardest and deepest lessons regarding my own faith and the relationships I held with people.
These lessons helped me form an even deeper appreciation of trials as being tools of refinement instead of moments of suffering.
I learned that sometimes we can be blind to storms and stumbling blocks, until someone helps us see the truth of those situations.
I learned that sometimes we can be blind to storms and stumbling blocks, until someone helps us see the truth of those situations.
I also learned that sometimes there is no end to a particular valley, and that I’m going to be okay if that is the case. It is this year that I learned what real trust and real truth was.
I formed so many amazing friendships with people I had no idea God would ever connect me with and He motivated me to dream bigger and bolder not only for my own life, but for Him first as well as the people we reach out to daily.
Trusting and clinging are the two words I would use to describe this year.
I formed so many amazing friendships with people I had no idea God would ever connect me with and He motivated me to dream bigger and bolder not only for my own life, but for Him first as well as the people we reach out to daily.
Trusting and clinging are the two words I would use to describe this year.
I am so incredibly grateful that God loved me enough to want to refine me in those ways, to allow me to learn to hold onto Him so much more than I even thought was possible.
It is the lessons that I learned in this year that inspired me to create this blog in which I can share and hopefully inspire others in their walk with God.
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“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” -1 John 4:8-19
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The Present
I have the privilege of being able to start my new year in Christ in Seoul, South Korea.
God blessed me with an opportunity to challenge myself and take the summer to grow, learn, and be okay with making mistakes.
I feel like in the past few months He has been exposing my need to be perfect and how much that desire to perfect and control everything has become a block in my path, an obstacle in my pursuit of freedom.
I get to soar off and seek higher things, seek that which scares me and learn to let go and just be okay with myself.
I don’t know what this year will hold, and I don’t know the ways in which I will be challenged, but ultimately that’s okay.
It is okay to not know, it is okay to simply embrace it.
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“This is my command-be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9
This new path that I’m on is definitely one that has had many twists, turns, mountains, valleys, you name it.
However, through everything, it’s come to be very clear that God truly loves me.
He trusts me to cling onto Him and fight the good fight and hold his hand through the darkest valleys. He’s strengthened me and though I can doubt that love, He never ceases to exceed my understanding of Him and displays His unbounding love for me time and time again.
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